YOU WANNA HEAR A GOOD BAD JOKE?
Did you hear about the crazy Spanish train conductor who murdered those people?
He had loco motives
Confucius says that if you run behind a car you will get exhausted.
I was walking through a graveyard and I saw someone crouching behind a grave stone. I said “morning” and they said, nah taking a shit
Being a chef is the least fulfilling job, all your work turns to shit
Two Peanuts walked into a bar, one was a salted.
Did you hear about the vampire who had trouble biting people properly? He had dysnecksia
I went to a tattoo parlor and asked to get flames on my arms. He refused because I didn’t have a firearms permit
What do hillbillies do on Halloween?
Pumpkin
What’s the difference between a magician and a row of showgirls?
One has an array of cunning stunts…
What do the starship enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons
Did you hear about the Italian chef who was in a car wreck?
He pasta way
What’s the most apathetic cheese product?
Queso dip
What’s it called when you grow a tree?
A grow culture
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
Depresso
How does a non binary ninja kill people?
They slash them
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale
What’s a man with on leg’s favorite restaurant?
IHOP
Why are rutabagas great for parties?
They turnip
What do you call a dog with steel balls and no hind legs?
Sparky
Why are mines good at sex?
They do unspeakable things in the bedroom
What is Canada’s most popular board game?
Sorry
Why are so many surfers antivaxers?
They’re trying to catch that fourth wave brah
Did you hear about the rock that faced its greatest fear?
It’s now a little Boulder
What do you call a communist mouse with an oral fixation?
Mouse say tongue
What do you call a factory that makes mediocre products?
A Satisfactory
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Spring water
Why was the little ink blot so upset?
Because his mother was in the pen and they didn’t know how long the sentence would be
What is the lead cause of dry skin?
Towels
What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time
Why did the pastry chef hire a pig?
He was good at bacon
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it was served hot it’d be just water.
Why did tigger hire a plumber?
He was looking for Pooh
What do you call a bee from the United States of America?
A USB
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They’d crack each other up.
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field
How do aliens harvest their crops?
Tractor beams
Why did Eve move to New York?
She couldn’t resist the big apple
What’s the difference between middle earth and New York?
Two towers
What do you call a pig that lives in Manhattan?
A New Porker
What do you call an elf that lives in New York City?
A metro gnome
What building in NYC has the most stories?
The public library
Why do French people east snails?
They don’t like fast food
Did you hear what happened at the laundromat last night?
Three clothes pins held up a two shirts
Do you know what mothballs smell like?
How’s you get his little legs apart?
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
He wasn’t peeling well.
What do boxers and assassins have in common?
They both hit men
Have you heard about the chocolate record player?
It sounds pretty sweet
Did you hear about McDonald’s new burger made entirely of beef lips?
They’re calling it the McJagger
Why is C afraid of all the other letters?
Because they’re all Nazis(not c’s)
What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a cook?
A sous chef
Why doesn’t batman have super vision?
Because his parents died
Did you know that Karl Marx sister invented the starter pistol?
Her name was Onya
Which celebrity is always ready for a bowl of cereal?
Reese with her spoon
How do they make honey in the Middle East?
They get it from a schwarma bees
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry
What is a donkeys pronouns?
Hee her!
Because of political correctness what should Dick Van Dyke change his name to?
Penis Lorry Lesbian
What do motels and skinny jeans have in common?
No ball room
Did you hear about the humble artery?
He wasn’t vain
What does a chimney cost?
Nothing, it’s on the house
What’s it called when the fresh prince of bel-air tells a lie?
Wills myth
Did you hear about the plumber who won American idol?
An amazing set of pipes!
What’s a gamblers favorite drug?
Jackpot
Why are brits so good at chess?
Their queen never dies
What do deaf people and Italians have in common?
They talk a with a their hands a
Why do seagulls hang out by the ocean?
Because if they hung out by the bay they’d be bagels
Opinions are like assholes, everyone’s got one and I like to share mine with strangers on the internet
What movie villian works at the abortion clinic?
The terminator
How do you make a lighting bug happy?
Cut off it’s tai, it’ll be de-lighted
Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?
He was lookin for a tight seal
How is life like toilet paper?
You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone
What do you call a locomotive carrying bubblegum?
A choo choo train
What had 24 legs and flies?
12 pairs of jeans
What do racism and the pregnant Virgin Mary have in common?
There’s no room for either of them
What do you get if you mix human dna and whale dna?
Your mom
How do hostess cup cakes made?
Twinkies put their ding dongs in the hohos
What did they grape say when it got pinched?
It let out a little wine
What does a ram do in its spare time?
Fuck ewe
How does a grape act if you leave it out in the sun?
It starts raisin hell
What’s better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ
How do mermaids give birth?
Sea section
How can you tell the difference between a male door and a female door?
One has a singsong and the others have knockers
I know some gossip about butter
I don’t want to spread it - joke by Britny
How does Tony Soprano find good deli meat?
He uses gabagoogle.
Ok this next one’s a good joke, ready?
A good joke
What do baseball and baking a cake have in common?
It’s all about the batter
Did you hear about the nun who had a wardrobe malfunction?
Turns out she had a bad habit
How do you know it’s raining cats and dogs?
You step in a poodle
What is the fecal implant success rate?
One turd
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales
Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don’t work
What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can’t hear an enzyme
What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head, I’m gonna give these two a lift
What’s the opposite of lady fingers?
Mentos
What did the right eye say to the left eye?
Between you and me something smells
What’s invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts
What did Adam say to Eve when she was first created?
Woah man! Where’s your dick?
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
They lactose.
What state has the smallest soft drinks?
Mini soda
How does Lady Gaga like her steak?
Raw-raw, raw-raw-raw
How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced?
Buccaneer
What do hemorrhoids and Tesla’s have in common?
Eventually every asshole has one
Why shouldn’t you de-ice your windshield with a loyalty card?
You’ll only get 10%off
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef
What’s the difference between jelly and jam?
You can’t jelly your dick in someone’s ass
What has 5 letters, sometimes 9 letters but never has 5 letters.
No that wasn’t a question
What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-na
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Tentacles, of course an octopus only has 8 of those so the other two were testicles
What do you call a nosey pepper?
Jal up enyo business
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn’t want to be spotted
What is a hatters favorite drink?
Cappuccino
Why shouldn’t you buy a donkey vacuum?
It sucks ass
Why is thanksgiving food so addictive?
It’s hard to quit cold Turkey!
What kind of hey opens no doors?
A Turkey. Monkey donkey flunky all also work
What happened to the turkey who became a boxer?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him
Why are turkeys allowed in any band?
Hey have their own drumsticks
Who is never hungry at thanksgiving?
The turkey, It was already stuffed
Have you heard of the movie constipation?
It hasn’t come out yet
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
What really offends amputees?
Offhanded comments
Why do blind people hate skydiving?
It scares the shit out of their dogs.
Why did the Mexican man throw his wife off a cliff?
Tequilla
Why don’t foot amputees care about losing games?
They’re used to being defeated
What do you call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher
Did you hear about the two guys who got caught stealing a calendar?
They each got 6 months
What’s a cannibals favorite part when eating. vegetables?
The resale value on their wheelchairs
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork chop
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin of
I tried to do a political theme but the problem with political jokes is that sometimes they get elected
Why should we have known that communism was doomed from the start?
All the red flags
What do politician and diapers have in common?
If you don’t change them often they get dirty
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?
The letter f
What’s the difference in baseball and politics?
In baseball you’re out if you get caught stealing
Why is it illegal to steal murder and sell drugs?
The government hates competition
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the titanic?
About half way
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhino?
ELL. If I Know
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy bear
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw em
What do you call a lyricist who loves sweets?
A candy wrapper. He spits candy bars
What does Sean Connery call a mollusk that won’t share?
A shellfish shellfish
What do you call a nose without a body?
Nobody nose
What do drugs and birthdays have in common?
Too many will kill you
Why are Irish jokes so simple?
So the English can get them
What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?
They both love to crack open a cold one
A woman walks into a seafood restaurant and sees a sign that says Lobster Tails -$1.
She asks the host $1 lobster tails?
They must be old right? The host says, no they’re fresh today.
They must be small then? No they’re normal size.
Ok I’ll have one.
The host walks the woman to her table and she sits down
The waiter comes to the table “once upon a time there was a red lobster”
Why did the tomato blush?
It saw the salad dressing
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Tesla?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside
Why is it pointless to be mad at lazy people?
They didn’t do anything
Who eats 5 guys for breakfast lunch and dinner?
Jeffrey Dahmer
Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don’t work.
Why shouldn’t you give the devil a wig?
There’d be hell toupee
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
Zero
Why do the French east snails?
They hate fast food
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I dunno but the flag is a big plus
Why are dogs bad dancers?
They have two left feet
What kind of animal has an asshole on it’s back?
A police horse
What is yoda’s last name?
Lay hee whooo(sung)
What monster fits on the end of your finger?
The boogeyman
Why do MMA fighters wear skin tight shorts?
Because otherwise they’d be boxers
What kind of fish was in the movie The Shining?
A Red Drum
Why do riot police wake up so early?
To beat the crowds
How did the chef get locked out of his house?
He came home with gnocchi
Why did the clock get kicked out of the library?
Too much tocking
Why didn’t the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn’t habenero
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What’s the loudest pet you can get?
A trum pet
Why don’t birds wear underwear?
Their pecker is on their face
How did shredder finally defeat the TMNT?
He replaced his blades with plastic straws
What do you call a potato that makes your life easier?
A facili-tater
What did the poo say to the fart?
You blow me away!
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air
How does the moon cut it’s hair?
British accent “Eclipse it”
What happens when life gives you pickles instead of lemons?
You dill with it.
What shoes have the least friction?
Slippers
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws, the other has a pause at the end of its clause.
What is a necrophiliac pansexual’s favorite type of comedy?
Deadpan
What do you call a bullet proof Irish man?
Rick o shea
How does Moses make tea?
Hebrews
What do yeast and people from Alabama have in common?
Both are inbred
How do mideval knights from different kingdoms communicate with each other?
Chain mail
What’s the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four
What’s the preferred footwear of frogs?
Open toad shoes
What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts
What do you call a pile of cats?
A meowtain
Why did the hipster chef burn his tounge?
He tasted the dish before it was cool
What is a poker players favorite snack food?
Cheetos
How many nihilist does it take to change a lightbulb?
It doesn’t matter
Who was the most open minded president in us history?
JFK, runner up Abe Lincoln
What did the mathematician do when he was constipated?
He worked it out by pencil
What do you call a nun in a wheel chair?
Holy roller
What do you call a horse with insomnia?
A night mare
Why did the dog go to bed right after work?
It had a rough day
What is a dogs favorite Chinese dish?
Chow chow mein
What dogs make the best art?
Labradoodles
What’s the best kind of dog in the winter?
Hot dogs
What kind of dog was called out for a me too moment?
Doberman pinscher
What’s the official title for the leader of Denmark?
The Great Dane
What type of juice is most refreshing?
Ahh jus
What type of flour do you always find in the bathroom?
AP Flour
Why was the croissant a bad friend?
It was flaky - joke by Dennis
Why didn’t the vinegar marry the oil?
Too whiskey
What do you call a vegetable bathroom?
A pea pod
What’s a chimps favorite bread?
Banana bread/monkey bread
What is cream’s favorite song?
Whip it
What type of bird is always nodding off?
Heron
Why do guitar players get all the girls?
They’re great at fingering(definitely not original)
Why don’t drummers get girls?
They start off ok but they always speed it up and finish too quick
What type of peppers are the loudest?
Bell Peppers
Why is the mushrooms always the life of the party?
Because he’s a fungi
How can you tell the difference between a cop and a klansman?
Cops don’t hide their face when they kill black people
Why don’t lions take backroads?
They prefer the Mane Streets
What’s a snakes favorite subject in school?
Hisssstory
What planet do you need a mirror to see?
Uranus ( this may not be a-holey original joke)
Why shouldn’t you argue with a fictional character?
Their minds are already made up
What do you call an angry German?
A saur kraut
What kind of jokes don’t require a good delivery?
Abortion Jokes
How do you make a handkerchief dance?
Put a little boogie in it
Why couldn’t the dolphin get a life?
He had no porpoise
What award did the inventor of the knock knock joke get?
The Nobel prize
How does NASA organize a party?
They planet
How many lightning bugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but I’m not sure how they’d get in there
Why are flat earth era having such a hard time during the pandemic?
The 6 ft distancing is pushing some of them over the edge
What do you call a deaf dog?
Doesn’t matter, he ain’t coming.
What did the plaintiff wear to court?
A lawsuit
What do you call a dwarf escaping prison down a rope?
A little con descending
How do you fix a broken tomato?
Tomato paste
What’s the best kind of grass?
Emo grass
Why?
Because it cuts itself
What do you call a French vampire?
Vampierre
Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?
Because he’s all out of tissues
Why did the duck bite the dog?
Because he was a pure bread
How do you get a country girl to date you?
A tractor
Why can’t you cook wood in a pan?
Because it’s non-stick
Why was the gay club called Garage Sale?
Because one man’s junk is another man’s treasure
What is a reverse exorcism?
When the devil tells a priest to exit a child’s body
What goes clip clop clip clop bang bang bang clip clop clip clop clip?
An Amish drive by
Where do you get a 3 foot ruler?
A yard sale
What’s wrong with Russian dolls?
They’re full of themselves.
Why do bicycles need a kickstand to stand up?
Because they’re two tired to do it on their own.
Why shouldn’t you tell a pun to a kleptomaniac?
Because they always take things literally
What do you call two Ants that have a baby together?
Pair-ants
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plane bagel
What do you call a boat full of dentist?
A tooth ferry!
What kind of jokes are allowed during quarantine?
Inside jokes!
What word is spelled incorrectly in every single dictionary?
Incorrectly!
If you’re in the UK you go poo in the loo. What do you do in the bathroom in Miami?
Cocaine
Why are origami enthusiasts bad at poker?
They’re always folding.
How does a robot have sex?
Nuts and bolts.
What is the most common profession for spiders?
Web designer!
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto
Why did the logger chop down a talking tree?
He wanted it to dialogue
What is skinny green and smells like bacon?
Kermit’s fingers
What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit!
I got a good alphabet joke you want to hear it?
The jokes on U.
Why did the quarantine shut down takeout at the Indian restaurant?
Because it was a Nan- essential business
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
No cargo vroom. Owl go who
How do you measure the heaviness of a Red Hot Chili Pepper?
Give it a weigh give it a weigh give it a weigh now
What’s the opposite of a firefly?
A waterfall.
What do you call Spider-Man while he’s window shopping
A web browser - joke by Rob Sonic
You wanna hear two short jokes and a long one?
Joke. Joke. Oooooooonnnnnnnnnne
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Paddy O’ Furniture
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing they fast.
I ran out of toilet paper so I started using newspaper.
The Times are tuff.
What bird is strong enough to lift a steel beam
A crane.
What has four legs and goes ahhhh
A sheep with no lips
Where do bees stop to use the bathroom when on a road trip?
The BP Station
Why did the hipster drown?
They went ice skating before it was cool.
What do you call cows with a sense of humor?
Laughingstock
Why shouldn’t you buy shoes from a drug dealer?
Because if he laced them you’ll be tripping all day.
What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support people will think we’re nuts.
Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz 2 Men?
He though it was a delivery service
What do ducks smoke?
Quack
What’s the difference between a jewler and a jailer?
One sells watches and the other watches cells!
What do Germans call a dead battery?
A nein-volt
Why are millennials so odd?
Because they can’t even!
What does Donald Trump have in common with a pumpkin?
They’re both orange, they’re both hollow on the inside, and they should be tossed out in November.
Why hasn’t Joe Exotic release any Christmas albums?
Because he hates Carols.
How is sex like spades(or bridge)?
If you don’t have a good partner you better have a good hand!
Why is it hard to find the websites for orphanages?
There’s no homepage
What do you call a person with a neck fetish?
A neck-romancer
What’s a pirate’s favorite state?
Arrrrr-kansas
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.75 , deer nuts are under a buck.
A cheese factory exploded in France
Da Brie was everywhere
Why does Norway have barcodes on the sides of all their ships?
So they can Scandinavian
What do you call a terrorist who works at a strip club?
A uniboober
What do you call a dumb gymnast?
A flipping idiot
What does a cow order at the Asian restaurant?
Dairy-aki-chicken
Why did the chicken dig a tunnel?
So it wouldn’t have to cross the road